For as long as I can remember I have always put other peoples needs in front of my own, long before my days of being a mother to my daughter, I've always felt the need to take care of people... to make them feel better. I don't know where this comes from, some could argue that it comes from my own desire for someone to nuture me, that I know what it feels like to hurt and others might just say that I have a natural maternal instinct.
I realized something today, that a lot of my fondest memories when I was a child are memories when I was alone. Before 1999 I spent a lot of time with my grandparents, my own parents worked a lot and partied even more. After my paternal grandmother passed away I started to spend a lot of time alone. I am not an only child, but my two older brothers are of an age where they weren't really in the house with me, plus both were raised by my grandparents. Actually, I am the only child that my parents had togather... and I came at a time when I don't think either one of them really wanted another child. Now before I continue on any further let me get one thing straight, I am not bashing either of my parents or their parenting skills. I love my mom and my dad and I realize that they did the best that they could as parents, and isn't that all we really can ask for? I say this because I don't want anyone thinking that I am complaining or placing blame on anyone for how I feel or for who I am today, really this is just an outlet for me and I really don't intend on anyone ever reading it.
Another feeling that I've had for as long as I can remember is the feeling of being inadaquate. I've always just felt like I am not good enough. Not a good enough daughter, grandaughter, girlfriend, friend or mom. You name it I pretty much feel like I suck... maybe this is why I tend to push people away, or tell people that I'm ok when I'm not. What's weird about the situation is though as much as I isolate myself from people as soon as I hear about or see a friend is hurting I reach out to them... sometimes not having talked to this person for years. I end up being the dumping ground for everyones problems, but when they feel better they vanish. I'm not the girl they invite to parties, I'm the girl they call at midnight because someone broke their heart. I'm not the girl they want to be with, just the girl they want to know wants them to make them feel better... And I'm that girl that they keep talking about getting togather with ... but it never happens. To be fair with some people I am to blame for that... I have a couple people that have tried to get togather with me but I have for the most part distanced myself from them...I guess in my experiance people just eventually let you down so why bother?
Like I said earlier I mostly made this for myself, I have to find someway to get my feelings out... I've been holding them in for years and I feel like I am going to explode.
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